My friend died of a broken heart. He got stabbed outside a kebab shop.
Two cows were talking. One said, ‘Moo’ and the other said, ‘There you go again.’
I’ve given up converting fractions to decimals I just can’t see the point.
Luckily the judge only gave me a short sentence: – ‘We’re going to hang you.’
I have a really good watch but it only works close to my house. Must be a neighbourhood watch.
I bought a nocturnal horse. It was a nightmare.
Two pigs were talking. One said. ‘I’m not happy.’ and the other said, ‘No shit.”
I dreamt I was swallowed by a whale so I decided not to follow my dreams after all.
Where to go if you need a new bell for your bicycle. Tring.
Went to see The Invisible Man last week. What an ending! I didn’t see that one coming.
I offered my friend a carrot. He said, No. I said, Why not? He said, It’s the thin end of the veg.
My uncle used to raise horses but gave it up when they got too heavy.
Where not to live if you’ve got a stutter Kirkcudbright.
Isn’t time we got a man on Mars. I mean, come on guys, it’s not rocket science
Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’
I read that book Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit by Steve Low and Alan McArther. It was shit.
I’m against binge drinking. In fact, I don’t even like binge
An introvert is a quiet, reserved, and thoughtful individual. Whereas an extrovert is just an irritating git.
Prince Andrew got caught relieving himself in the street after a pub crawl. It was the Royal we.
I went to the cinema to see Cats. But apparently they only show films.
You can’t have your cake and eat it, unless of course you’re bulimic.
My local fish restaurant has a very limited menu. I said not whale meat again?
I’m not in favour of the papacy. In fact I don’t even like the Pape.
Had all my family and relations over for Christmas. It was kin hell.
On my bedroom wall I have a 3D painting of a fat, bald, deluded ex-president. It is my Trump L’Oeil.
I had to give up using my favourite tool in my tool box. I have to admit, it was a wrench.
Where to go if you’re a small rodent with a keen interest in hydro-electric power generation. Amsterdam.
A bloke came up to me and said, ‘Hick, hock, diddly squat, banana. It just didn’t make any sense.
Do you know what’s a good thing for a headache – banging your head against the wall.
I was charged with stealing luggage. I asked for 47 other cases to be taken into consideration.
A friend asked if I’d like one for the road and I said Yes, and he gave me a traffic cone.
I met a bloke in a wig on my way to the courtroom. I said, ‘I think this must be my case.’ He said, ‘I’ll be the judge of that.’
Two frogs were talking. One said, ‘Ribbet, ribbet’ and the other said, ‘Heard it!’
I’m no fan of Poison Ivy. To be honest I find it irritating
I was in a bar and asked the barman, Do you have an ice bucket? and he said We did but it melted.
Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’