Where to go if you need a new bell for your bicycle. Tring.
An introvert is a quiet, reserved, and thoughtful individual. Whereas an extrovert is just an irritating git.
I dreamt I was swallowed by a whale so I decided not to follow my dreams after all.
Had all my family and relations over for Christmas. It was kin hell.
Two cows were talking. One said, ‘Moo’ and the other said, ‘There you go again.’
On my bedroom wall I have a 3D painting of a fat, bald, deluded ex-president. It is my Trump L’Oeil.
Went to see The Invisible Man last week. What an ending! I didn’t see that one coming.
I went to the cinema to see Cats. But apparently they only show films.
I’ve given up converting fractions to decimals I just can’t see the point.
You can’t have your cake and eat it, unless of course you’re bulimic.
Two pigs were talking. One said. ‘I’m not happy.’ and the other said, ‘No shit.”
I read that book Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit by Steve Low and Alan McArther. It was shit.
Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’
I have a really good watch but it only works close to my house. Must be a neighbourhood watch.
My friend died of a broken heart. He got stabbed outside a kebab shop.
My local fish restaurant has a very limited menu. I said not whale meat again?
I had to give up using my favourite tool in my tool box. I have to admit, it was a wrench.
Isn’t time we got a man on Mars. I mean, come on guys, it’s not rocket science
My uncle used to raise horses but gave it up when they got too heavy.
Luckily the judge only gave me a short sentence: – ‘We’re going to hang you.’
I was charged with stealing luggage. I asked for 47 other cases to be taken into consideration.
I’m not in favour of the papacy. In fact I don’t even like the Pape.
Where to go if you’re a small rodent with a keen interest in hydro-electric power generation. Amsterdam.
Two frogs were talking. One said, ‘Ribbet, ribbet’ and the other said, ‘Heard it!’
I’m against binge drinking. In fact, I don’t even like binge
A friend asked if I’d like one for the road and I said Yes, and he gave me a traffic cone.
Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’
Where not to live if you’ve got a stutter Kirkcudbright.
I’m no fan of Poison Ivy. To be honest I find it irritating
I was in a bar and asked the barman, Do you have an ice bucket? and he said We did but it melted.
Do you know what’s a good thing for a headache – banging your head against the wall.
Prince Andrew got caught relieving himself in the street after a pub crawl. It was the Royal we.
I offered my friend a carrot. He said, No. I said, Why not? He said, It’s the thin end of the veg.
A bloke came up to me and said, ‘Hick, hock, diddly squat, banana. It just didn’t make any sense.
I met a bloke in a wig on my way to the courtroom. I said, ‘I think this must be my case.’ He said, ‘I’ll be the judge of that.’
I bought a nocturnal horse. It was a nightmare.