AQUARIUS
You will feel a little low. Are you not getting the breaks you deserve? Do you feel people are underestimating you? Are you being ignored perpetually? Or is it possible you are, in fact, useless.

PISCES
Marsupials could be an issue this month. Try not to worry too much, Kangaroo fatalities are at an all time low, even more so outside Australia.

CAPRICORN
Avoid Albanians with large dogs today and, if over 6ft tall, be careful of low doorways particularly if visiting hobbits or other very short people. Your lucky fruit this week is cumquat

TAURUS
You receive a visit from a fortune-telling gypsy who will help you to gain a new perspective on your future. Just check when she leaves she hasn’t left a load of old tyres and rusty cars in your garden...

GEMINI
A blind date will go horribly wrong. Turning up naked apart from a woollen willy-warmer, although amusing, is unlikely to result in a second date

CANCER
You visit a gypsy who will tell your future. She will say you are going to have a lot of old tyres and rusty cars dumped on your property or possible worse.

LEO
This week all of your wildest dreams will come true. Unfortunately, it turns out you're a rather dull person with no imagination and your wildest dreams are, frankly, boring as hell.

VIRGO
Travel is in the air. You may be taking a dream tour of the world visiting all those exotic places you've always wanted to see, or it might just be a trip to Barking to pick up some plumbing equipment

LIBRE
You’ve recently become President on the United States. This may bring many challenges. You may feel that people are mocking you for being ignorant and stupid. You must stick to your guns. And possibly shoot one or two of the most vociferous

SAGITTARIUS
You’re a live wire, full of fun and always enjoy being the centre of attention. however there are downsides to having a magnetic personality because you may for example be arrested leaving Tesco’s partially covered in cutlery.

SCORPIO
Invading Ukraine while the moon is in Uranus was a mistake, but it did get a cheap laugh..

ARIES
A chance meeting with a friend will bring good news. On the other hand it may not. Also it might not be a friend, it might just be a person with absolutely no news at all. I don't know, what am I, a bloody clairvoyant?